The Opportunity All Single Adults Have - That You’re Married Friends Don’t

It’s the end of the work day. You breathe a heavy sigh of relief as you open the front door and drop your stuff just inside. 

“I’m home.” you think as you walk straight to the couch and collapse. Today was hectic. Work was insane and you are more than thankful for the day to be over.

As you sit, you start mentally mapping out your evening. “Hmmm let’s see…I could go running, try a new dinner recipe, go on a walk, join my friends for happy hour, read, spend time praying, watch TV, work on my website, get some writing done, go to yoga, etc…” the list is endless.

You have options.

And time.

Time.

It’s not something to be taken for granted.

And it happens to be what makes single life so fantastic!

Yes you may have a busy lifestyle and a busy full time job or studying schedule - but one thing you have that others do not - is time to yourself. 

Not just time to get things done, but time to focus on you - and what you want or need to do.

This is not something to take lightly or take for granted. 

I would be bold enough to say that this is the ideal time to pursue some side passions, to build skills and really spend the time needed to make yourself into the best version of yourself. This is the time to allow yourself to explore and really experiment with new ideas.

Because this phase of life is one that is precious and valuable. 

Singleness as an adult, is in a way, a gift. You have more time to yourself now than you will ever have once you’re married, and or decide to have a family.

Recently I saw a post that said something along the lines of, “your success is determined by what you do with your time outside of work”. 

The author was pointing out how much free time we actually have each and every day - and that every day, we get to make the decision of how to use our time. 

Every day we have the opportunity to choose to develop, learn, create and progress with reading, learning a new skill, taking care of our bodies with exercise, making healthy food, etc… Or we can choose to waste away our time by mindlessly watching tv or scrolling through social media.

It’s up to us.

And honestly, since reading that post I have come to the realization of just how much time I actually have at the end of my work day. 

And now that I am aware of the time I do have, I am consciously making an effort to use it to the best of my ability.

Some days “my best” includes going on a run and meal planning for the week. Other days it includes an hour long nap after a hectic day followed by some beach volleyball with friends. And some other days it includes quality time with friends and community. 

It all depends. 

But one thing I do know is that now that I am aware of the time I do have, I am consciously making an effort to use it in a beneficial manner.

And that is all that matters.

So when I catch myself scrolling mindlessly through Facebook, I pause, and ask myself what it is I should be doing instead. Am I exhausted? Would a nap be better? Am I bored? Should I instead pick up my book or join friends at the beach? Am I anxious about something and using this as a distraction? Should I pick up my bible or go on a run to clear my head?

This awareness is all that is needed to start making better decisions with my time and I would recommend that you give it a shot yourself.

So humor me and answer this question:

What time do you typically get home and what time you generally go to sleep? How many hours are there in between.

How many hours do you have?

For me it is something like 6-7 hours. That is almost as long as an entire workday. That means I have a pretty large chunk of time everyday that I get to choose what to do with.

Are you using your extra hours for your benefit or no? 

By knowing the answer to that question alone you can be on the way to changing your life.

So if it turns out you are like me and are LUCKY enough to be living the single life, embrace it, because this phase of life - this time where you can focus on yourself and use the time you do have to make yourself better - is really a gift not to be taken for granted or wasted. 

What will YOU do with the extra hours you have? Do you have a goal you want to work towards? Is there some skill you want to cultivate? Let me know in the comments below.

Not This

I sat at my cold glass dining table under the glaring white lights, long into the cold of the night, writing a list of pros and cons with trembling hands. Earlier in the evening I had spent time debating with myself, praying to (more like screaming at) God, speaking with my roommate and crying endlessly. 

I was torn to pieces. 

I had thought - only a year and a half earlier - that I had found the perfect job.

Boy was I wrong.

As Elizabeth Gilbert says,

"Most of us, at some point in our lives (unless we have done everything perfectly...which is: nobody) will have to face a terrible moment in which we realize that we have somehow ended up in the wrong place — or at least, in a very bad place."

How many of us have ended up in this "bad place"? Face down. Exhausted. At the bottom. Feeling like you just HAVE to make a change. There is no more waiting.

Well I certainly did in 2014.

Not only did my situation end up less than ideal, it had turned toxic. 

It frankly wasn’t good for me: emotionally, physically (stress) or spiritually. 

Did I have any idea what I was going to do next? 

No.

Did I have a Plan B? 

No.

Did I have any idea how this decision would alter the future?

No.

But did I know I had to leave?

Absolutely.

It was a deep, gut wrenching sense of 

NOT THIS.

My heart, mind, body, soul - every part of me was screaming 

NOT THIS.

I had to get out. 

So I did.

By the end of that evening - before I even went to bed - I had a resignation letter drafted and ready to go for the morning. 

And I felt peace.

Yes I was terrified. I had no idea what I was going to do. And I absolutely did not want to leave my home - Cape Town, South Africa prematurely.

I was risking my entire life. The life I had spent so much time, heart and soul building. This decision could destroy it all in a moment.

Regardless of that, I knew the decision had to be made.

I had already waited too long. I had had that unmistakable sinking feeling after only a few months and had decided to hang on even as everything started slipping out of control.

I knew that even with the terrifying prospect of not knowing what was next, or how this decision would change things - that staying in my home would become increasingly difficult without a miracle - I absolutely had to listen to that gut feeling screaming, NOT THIS - because anything was better than where I found myself.

So when the moment came, I handed over my resignation letter without regret.

I knew I had done the right thing. And only relief swept over me as I walked away that day. 

Since I was at the bottom, I also knew, I could only improve.

Recently, my good friend, fellow blogger and awesome podcaster, Bryan Teare, creator of the Quarter Life Comeback, reminded me of a challenging post written by the wonderful Elizabeth Gilbert titled, Not This .

It struck a chord the first time I read it. And once again it is having the same effect all over again.

In the post she writes about the terrifying moments in life when you realize - NOT THIS.

When you find yourself on the floor emotionally or physically with the realization that something has to change. Must change. 

That you have to leave the job, end the toxic relationship, admit yourself into rehab, leave a community that is slowly poisoning you or walk away from a belief that once defined you but no longer does anymore.

That no matter what you do next, it’s NOT THIS.

In Elizabeths own words,

"If you keep ignoring the voices within you that say NOT THIS, just because you don't know what to do, instead...you may end up stuck in NOT THIS forever.

You don't need to know where you are going to admit that where you are standing right now is wrong.

The bravest thing to say can be these two words.

What comes next?

I don't know. You don't know. Nobody knows. It might be worse. It might be better. But whatever it is...? It's NOT THIS."

So are you getting the feeling that something needs to change? Are you in the middle of your personal NOT THIS moment right now? Have you ever experienced this in the past? If so, please tell me your stories if you feel comfortable below - I would love to hear about how you got to this point and made the change to get out.

Is Productivity Killing You?

Productivity secrets and life hacks are great. At least, I love them.

I often find myself browsing online and clicking on nearly every link promising life changing “hacks” to make my days more productive and easier. When I scan through an article I find myself thinking - wow! these could actually work!

Every once in a blue moon I may actually apply one to my life - sometimes to great success.

One of my favorite “hacks” is making layered salads in mason jars for the week. Saves so much time and money later in the week. Gives me an easy, healthy, go-to lunch everyday, and means I have one less decision to make at 6am- which is always appreciated.

So I love these things. And honestly, I think much of the first world does as well.

Who doesn’t want tools to help us make less daily decisions, get things done in less time and with less stress?

So what is wrong with these?

Well fundamentally nothing. In fact, the more clever ideas can help people, the better.

However, I would argue that what is wrong is not the ideas themselves, but what they represent. 

Ultimately, the popularity of these ideas shows us that we live in a society that prizes productivity and getting more done in less time. 

“Well, duh…” you might say, “whats wrong with that?” 

Well nothing - until it gets in the way of resting and down time.

The problem I see is that we so badly want to get more and more done that when we reach a point emotionally, physically and/or mentally when we need a break - we struggle to actually give ourselves a break without overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. We feel guilty about off time. We feel FOMO (fear of missing out) for fear of missing something fun. On sick days we find ourselves still working - just from home.

There is something wrong with this.

When our bodies reach the point where we get signals to slow down and rest we need to listen, respond and honor them.

Instead, we see this as weakness and as something that we can work or play through.

Side Note: Going and doing fun things whether playing a sport, hiking, going out for drinks - as much as they can be rejuvenating to a certain extent - these things still do not count as rest because you come home just as exhausted, if not more so than when you left.

So what do I propose?

I propose that we give ourselves PERMISSION.

We give our society and our friends permission to take a break.

Rather than guilt our friends into joining us when they tell us they need a day off - we should respect it and tell them we both understand and are impressed they are taking care of themselves.

Rather than reach out to coworkers on their sick days to see if they are well enough to get some work done - we should encourage them to turn off their cell phones and email and allow themselves to fully recover for work the following day. 

Rather than beat ourselves up over not getting the to do list done on a Saturday - we should respect our bodies and the innate understanding they have about our needs - and remember that anything that needs to get done can be completed the following day when our energy is back to normal.

And when we find ourselves craving a nap rather than a run on a Thursday afternoon- we should be willing to listen to that as well (within certain reason - we don’t want nap time taking over exercise).

Because ultimately if we give ourselves the time we so deeply crave to rest and be still and truly recover - we can and will be stronger than we can ever imagine when we reemerge fully recharged.

So what do you say?

Lets make a pact with one another to consciously choose to run on full battery rather than half. Lets make the intentional effort to no longer guilt ourselves or others when they need a day off and be willing to listen to the cues our bodies are giving us day in and day out.

Because I can only imagine how awesome this world could be if everyone were fully engaged and living life to their fullest.

In the comments tell me, what are your thoughts on productivity and how does it hurt or help you in your day to day life?