Not This

I sat at my cold glass dining table under the glaring white lights, long into the cold of the night, writing a list of pros and cons with trembling hands. Earlier in the evening I had spent time debating with myself, praying to (more like screaming at) God, speaking with my roommate and crying endlessly. 

I was torn to pieces. 

I had thought - only a year and a half earlier - that I had found the perfect job.

Boy was I wrong.

As Elizabeth Gilbert says,

"Most of us, at some point in our lives (unless we have done everything perfectly...which is: nobody) will have to face a terrible moment in which we realize that we have somehow ended up in the wrong place — or at least, in a very bad place."

How many of us have ended up in this "bad place"? Face down. Exhausted. At the bottom. Feeling like you just HAVE to make a change. There is no more waiting.

Well I certainly did in 2014.

Not only did my situation end up less than ideal, it had turned toxic. 

It frankly wasn’t good for me: emotionally, physically (stress) or spiritually. 

Did I have any idea what I was going to do next? 

No.

Did I have a Plan B? 

No.

Did I have any idea how this decision would alter the future?

No.

But did I know I had to leave?

Absolutely.

It was a deep, gut wrenching sense of 

NOT THIS.

My heart, mind, body, soul - every part of me was screaming 

NOT THIS.

I had to get out. 

So I did.

By the end of that evening - before I even went to bed - I had a resignation letter drafted and ready to go for the morning. 

And I felt peace.

Yes I was terrified. I had no idea what I was going to do. And I absolutely did not want to leave my home - Cape Town, South Africa prematurely.

I was risking my entire life. The life I had spent so much time, heart and soul building. This decision could destroy it all in a moment.

Regardless of that, I knew the decision had to be made.

I had already waited too long. I had had that unmistakable sinking feeling after only a few months and had decided to hang on even as everything started slipping out of control.

I knew that even with the terrifying prospect of not knowing what was next, or how this decision would change things - that staying in my home would become increasingly difficult without a miracle - I absolutely had to listen to that gut feeling screaming, NOT THIS - because anything was better than where I found myself.

So when the moment came, I handed over my resignation letter without regret.

I knew I had done the right thing. And only relief swept over me as I walked away that day. 

Since I was at the bottom, I also knew, I could only improve.

Recently, my good friend, fellow blogger and awesome podcaster, Bryan Teare, creator of the Quarter Life Comeback, reminded me of a challenging post written by the wonderful Elizabeth Gilbert titled, Not This .

It struck a chord the first time I read it. And once again it is having the same effect all over again.

In the post she writes about the terrifying moments in life when you realize - NOT THIS.

When you find yourself on the floor emotionally or physically with the realization that something has to change. Must change. 

That you have to leave the job, end the toxic relationship, admit yourself into rehab, leave a community that is slowly poisoning you or walk away from a belief that once defined you but no longer does anymore.

That no matter what you do next, it’s NOT THIS.

In Elizabeths own words,

"If you keep ignoring the voices within you that say NOT THIS, just because you don't know what to do, instead...you may end up stuck in NOT THIS forever.

You don't need to know where you are going to admit that where you are standing right now is wrong.

The bravest thing to say can be these two words.

What comes next?

I don't know. You don't know. Nobody knows. It might be worse. It might be better. But whatever it is...? It's NOT THIS."

So are you getting the feeling that something needs to change? Are you in the middle of your personal NOT THIS moment right now? Have you ever experienced this in the past? If so, please tell me your stories if you feel comfortable below - I would love to hear about how you got to this point and made the change to get out.

Stuck.

I strongly dislike the word stuck. 

As an extremely independent individual, stuck brings up many negative connotations.

The word itself has a number of definitions - but the ones most fitting for my dislike are the informal definitions, including:

1. Unable to progress with a task or find the answer or solution to something.
2. Be or remain in a specified place or situation, typically one perceived as tedious or unpleasant.
3. Be at a loss for or in need of.
4. Unable to get rid of or escape from.

So, why do I dislike this word so much?

Well because feeling stuck brings me to a place of desperation, of need. It creates a strong gut reaction to get out. To get away. A deep sense of needing something to change - of a lack of balance. 

And to be stuck is one of my biggest fears.

Stuck is what happens when you give up. 

Stuck is what happens when you find yourself dwelling on a decision for hours on end twirling the thoughts around and around and around in your head endlessly with no coming solution.

Stuck is when you find yourself wasting time online - on social media - or any other diversion in order to distract yourself from that pressing feeling of something needing to be done now - but due to whatever reasons you just can’t do it right now.

I do believe everyone knows what I am talking about - but there are some of us who are more sensitive to it than others. 

And sadly, I believe there are even more people in the world who have desensitized themselves to this feeling or have reasoned their way out of it.

Settling is the friend of stuck. I’ve talked to far too many individuals who have settled into a lifestyle they hate - for whatever reason. Or friends who two years ago felt stuck in their current job, city, friend group, relationship, etc… who have just decided it is “the way it is” and are no longer fighting for a change. 

Seeing this drives me crazy. And it drives me to the edge of delirium when I find myself in the same situation.

I always need to be moving towards something more. Towards a goal. To a greater experience. To a greater world. To a better me.

Stuck is a feeling I have been fleeing from for most of my adult life. From the time I was 18 and off to college I have tried with all my might to create a lifestyle free of being stuck. From designing my own major in college, to working overseas for 2.5 years because I fell in love with Cape Town, South Africa when studying abroad there, to resigning from a job and drifting between volunteer positions until I found a dream gig in tourism, to moving myself back to the United States and back to Santa Barbara - a city I love - with few connections and no job - I have managed to keep moving and keep the fear of being stuck at bay.

However, as I move into a different season of life with a stable job and a home to call my own, it is difficult to not fear getting stuck here. 

But there is one aspect I’ve been missing all along.

You see, being stuck isn’t connected only to our physical location or the people we know - rather it is intertwined to our emotional state of being. 

This means that you can be in a corporate office job and feel stuck OR you can feel alive and like you are working in a position aligned with your purpose.

It all comes down to your perspective and goals.

Personally, this means that even though I find myself in a standard office job, it doesn’t mean I’m stuck. 

Instead,with the right perspective, this job allows me to live in one of the best cities in the country and find a community of people who enjoy a lifestyle similar to what I aspire to have myself.

It means I have a steady income while I write this blog and turn this, or other ventures, into side gigs - that may eventually become something bigger.

It means I have a place to learn new skills and test my abilities with upcoming tasks and new initiatives within the company.

It means I have a community of coworkers to interact with everyday.

Yes, I still struggle with a sense of being tied down at times, especially post working in tourism where travel was the norm.

However, I know this is a season. And seasons are good.

So whenever you find yourself stuck, reevaluate whether this job, city, friend group, relationship or whatever else, helps bring you a step closer to your goals. 

If not, let them go. 

But if they do, then give yourself the task of finding a way to bring meaning and perspective to that area of your life because ultimately it’s the only way to get unstuck.

Are you feeling stuck? If so let me know why and what is standing in your way in the comments below.

How To Figure Out What You Want & The Magic Of Taking Action

Running along the beach, my feel pounding against the rough sand, my breath shallow and quick I found myself at a crossroads. My mind was overwhelmed. Tears were dragging backwards towards my ears as the wind tore at my face. At that moment all I could focus on was putting one foot in front of the other.

I was facing the most difficult decision of my life.

Not only was I considering a complete career change - that would dramatically alter the future - I was also choosing to turn away from what I considered at one point to be the “dream job”. What I had placed much of my identity upon. 

The job I was debating had seemed the perfect intersection of all of my interests; marketing, economic development, nonprofit work, entrepreneurship, mentoring, microcredit, my faith and to top it all off was located in my favorite city in the world - Cape Town, South Africa. 

It was a dream come true.

And yet, I was in the midst of making the decision to derail it. By my own hand.

Why?

Because I had known. I had known for a while at that point - that this was not the job for me. That as “perfect” as it had appeared on paper, it did not match up to who I was or what I wanted and needed out of life. However, I was afraid. 

I was afraid to step away from the thing I had told everyone was “perfect for me”. I was afraid of what THEY would think!

I had uprooted and moved my entire life from Santa Barbara, California to Cape Town, South Africa at great cost to me and with a huge amount of support from friends and family all over the country. I was sending out monthly newsletters updating my network about what was going on in my life and all the great things happening at work and in the world I was now a part of.

It seemed too big to give up on. Too big to turn away from. Too big to admit that something was wrong.

I wanted to be wrong. I wanted the gut feeling to be inaccurate - for it to just be some indigestion or a fleeting thought. That God would show me the truth and my uncanny feeling would be wrong.

Instead, it just got stronger. 

Which is what led me to the moment on the beach.

As I stood there, completely alone, with the sound of crashing waves echoing in my ears, feeling the icy water rush up around my feet and my toes sink into the grainy and heavy sand, I felt hopeless.

I had tried so hard and managed to get to my DREAM. Managed to do THE IMPOSSIBLE. And yet, it wasn’t right.

I felt like an ungrateful child of the universe. Like there was something wrong with me. THIS was supposed to be the moment of feeling fulfilled and on top of the world, of knowing I had found my calling.

Instead, I was experiencing the utter disappointment of realizing my “dream” wasn’t actually what I wanted. 

Admitting that to myself felt shocking and like an impending identity crisis (which it totally was), yet I knew it was the right decision with all my heart and soul.

So on Monday I walked in with a resignation letter ready and resigned.

Was it difficult? Yes.

Was I worried about what people thought about me? Yes.

Did I feel like a complete and utter failure? Yes.

Did I wallow in sadness and disappointment with myself? Yes.

But I did it. And I am so happy I did.

A few months after some soul searching, reading and really getting creative, I finally found something that forced me to grow in completely new ways and blessed me in more ways than I could have ever planned (isn’t God so awesome?!).

Now, just over a year and a half later since the beach moment, I am back in Santa Barbara, California - missing my Cape Town home and family - but also happy and in such a different place emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually - than I was before.

Not only did I reach my goal (which is incredible in itself - I mean I freaking managed to move and work in South Africa!), I also learned a HUGE amount about who I am.

I gave it a shot and it didn’t work. But thats ok.

Recently in BSCHOOL, Marie Forleo said, 

“Behave your way to success and the belief will follow.”

Jeff Goins recommends this process:

• You do it.
• You believe it.
• You become it.

Starting before your ready seems to be a common theme, and for good reason. By putting yourself out there and DOING something you get to test the waters out for yourself. 

Think about this - rather than have someone tell you the hot tub is absolutely lovely and you imagine the way the warm water and jets must feel - you actually get in the tub and experience it. And the funny thing is, you may hate it - or you may love it just as much as the next person.

It is the experience that differentiates you. It is what makes you different from the dreamer who never touches her toes to the water. 

Which is why I find myself incredibly thankful for my ex-dream job. I learned that what I thought I wanted, wasn’t actually IT, which has since set me on a path much more aligned with who I believe I am.

“You don’t think your way into clarity. Clarity comes with action.” Jeff Goins

The necessary action was for me to take this job and move halfway around the world in order to discover that what I thought was the ultimate dream, really wasn’t…at least not for me.

And that is ok.

At least I gave it a shot.

Because I would rather have given it a shot, failed and continued to move forward with new goals rather than to have never tried and still be stuck on the same “dream”.

And who knows, maybe this next dream will be another hiccup along the journey of life and will become my second ex-dream. But at the same time, maybe it won’t. Maybe I will have the found the thing that makes my soul sing.

Until then, at least I will know that I have tried.

Do you have any examples of ex-goals? Things you thought you wanted, tried and then realized weren’t for you? Let me know in the comments below.

Some links to check out:

Marie Forleo: BSCHOOL

Jeff Goins: The Best Way to Not Become a Writer (and What to Do Instead)