Remaining Authentic

I am sitting. Arms wrapped around my sandy knees. The smell of salt, sunscreen and ocean tingle my nose. I can feel my body press into the beach towel below me, and the sand below that. 

I’m taking a break from the heat, sitting under the shade of an umbrella, watching friends play beach volleyball on the two courts in front of me.

There are people all around us. I can hear music playing from at least three different directions, including from one of our courts.

Everywhere I look there are tanned bodies standing at the ready waiting for another chance to hit the volleyball as it flies over the net and gets returned, to eventually hit the sand to shouts of both glee and dismay.

Its another Saturday afternoon and I am once again at my normal stomping grounds - the beach volleyball courts.

It’s amazing to think back and realize I only just joined this group a few months ago and many of my now friends were strangers just a few weeks ago.

I’m sitting in what I would call “my happy place”. I’m doing something I love and I know it. When I am at the courts I feel like I belong, like this is where I should be spending my Saturday.

I am outside, on the beach, with friends, laughing and talking in the sun, getting a tan and getting exercise (which I barely notice most days). This is my heaven. This is me being authentic to who I am, what I want and what makes me happy.

So when I walk away, saying my goodbyes, as the sun dips below the horizon, I glance behind me at the now empty nets standing in silent tribute to the chaos earlier in the day and I know that something is wrong.

The way I feel about volleyball is not the way I feel about the rest of my life. 

Something is off, and I know it.

It’s a gut feeling. A tug. A sense of unbalance. A sense of discontentment.

Remaining authentic to myself is hard.

To the outsider, my life looks great. I’m living in what has to be one of the most beautiful towns in the States, in a cute house, with an awesome roommate. I have a busy social life and active church life. I’m even working a full time job with cushy benefits.

Nothing is wrong with it. In fact, all of it is good, if not very good.

Yet something is amiss. At the gut level I know this without a shadow of a doubt.

So what is going on?

Some people may consider me to be the type that is too sensitive or too pensive. The kind of person who spends too much time in her head. A dreamer…

But is that a bad thing?

See the way I look at it is, we have one shot at life. Everyday is one day less. Every hour is an hour spent of this precious life. Personally, I want to use it to my utmost best ability. I want to take risks and live a life free of regrets. I want to follow my heart and calling.

And I know that where I am now is not it. I can feel my soul crying out to me to take a step, to make a change, to do something different - and I’m frustrated because I feel stuck. Stuck where I am. Stuck among the expectations of friends and family. And stuck in a spot that no one seems to really understand, no matter how hard I try to explain.

This struggle to be authentic remains.

And it’s hard.

Do I know what to do? Not really.

Right now I feel like I am waiting for something to change. For God to meet me and make those next steps clear. For some plan to materialize for the foreseeable future. 

But as of now, it remains a hazy picture.

So I continue. I press on with the feelings of discontent. Exploring different options but not making any decisions yet.

I know I won’t last much longer without something changing, but at the same time I don’t know what to do next. So I wait.

And waiting is hard.

I’m searching for that sense of purpose and belonging in my entire life, not just one aspect of it. This is something I continue to seek with full honesty and heart.

When I find it, I will know.

I found it last year when I worked alongside the Once in Cape Town team in South Africa, until my visa pulled me away.

So I know what it should feel like - and it's just not here in this current moment yet.

So while I wait, I continue to search, read, discover, dream and press on through the day to day.

Because I know that to remain authentic to myself is one of the most important things I am striving for and I will continue to fight for it no longer how long it takes to find again.

Have you struggled with remaining authentic? What did you do? Have you had seasons of waiting? How did you get through it?

Eating Alone

There I sat. Toes digging into the sand, the skirt of my dress still damp from the waves that had taken me by surprise earlier that day.

The sun sank lower and lower against the horizon as it slowly descended to the ocean and below.

I was hungry and I could smell food.

I was in the center of hundreds of tourists swirling around - conversations blending into a mass of sound. 

The sound of people enjoying time together, yelling in excitement, kids squeals, lovers calm and kind tones, parents trying to keep their kids from running away in excitement and much more.

A saxophone played some classic jazz tunes in the background, hustling for the wrinkled dollar bills in the pockets of those who walked past.

It was sunset. Prime time for people to be out searching for food and the beautiful sunset views along the coastline.

I was in the right place to get dinner. 

There were multiple restaurants merely steps from where I sat. 

Yet something caused me to hesitate…

I was alone.

I was traveling alone. I was at the beach alone. I had spent the day mostly alone.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that traveling solo is difficult, rather it is quite the contrary - traveling by myself comes easily. I am not one to shy away from spending time or exploring new places by myself. In fact, I quite enjoy it.

However, in my past I’ve either traveled between hostels or traveled with other people. In the case of solo travel, hostels happen to be set up for solo travelers - with shared dining areas - making it easy to start conversation with other travelers or even the staff. 

On this particular weekend, however I was not staying in a hostel and had no access to a common dining/kitchen set up. So I found myself in this specific situation.

Debating whether to venture into a normal restaurant alone.

While sitting there watching the sunset and debating whether I felt confident enough to venture in and eat at the bar alone in a packed restaurant I decided to google it.

Turns out, eating alone is not an uncommon insecurity or concern.

From what I found, many people struggle with it, and many people have had a variety of experiences while trying it on for size.

It turns out, restaurants are built for groups of people - or couples at least. Not those of us looking to grab a bite at a nice restaurant in a pretty setting, who happen to be alone.

And I happen to think this is rather unfortunate.

I enjoy pretty views and nice food as much as the next person and can only take so much cafe food and fast food before I want a “real meal” - which is what led me to this moment.

I could have walked back to my car and driven back into town to grab something from Subway or the local grocery store - but I was at the beach and I wanted to soak in the beautiful setting that was surrounding me - as well as the delicious chowder I had read about on Yelp. I wasn't about to just get up and step away because of this one problem.

So…what did I do?

I decided to venture in.

And after doing a full loop around the bar and noticing some other people grabbing food there - I decided to take the one available seat.

And you know what?

It was fine.

In fact, I met a few interesting people while sitting there enjoying my beer and chowder while watching the last rays of sunlight disappear over the ocean.

And, when I walked out, I felt accomplished.

Like I had done something outside of my comfort zone - and had succeeded.

Sure it felt awkward, especially when I decided not to stare at my cellphone the entire time. I consciously put the phone away and decided to just sit and enjoy and see what happened.

And what happened was great.

I enjoyed my delicious food, a yummy brew and some interesting company.

I walked out feeling accomplished.

So, if you ever find yourself on your own and feeling shy about going to a restaurant in a new city or even in your own city I would highly recommend that you take the step to try it - and have dinner at the bar - you never know what may happen.

Do you have any interesting stories of going to a restaurant alone? If so, share them!

Getting Off The Merry-Go-Round of Life

Alarm buzzes. I hit sleep. Five minutes later it goes off again. I hit sleep again, this time with a bit more annoyance. It happens again. And again. About the third or fourth time I give in.

Its a new day. 

The sun is slowly rising. The room is slowly becoming lighter.

My feet touch the cold hard wood floor and I’m up. 

First step, first. 

Contacts, brush teeth…coffee…

That is as far as my thought process goes.

Soon I will be in a caffeine fueled rush to get out the door, and another day will begin. Just like the last. And work will be work. Then lunch will come and go, and a few hours later I will be headed home, for another evening of activity or lack thereof, before crashing and doing it all over again.

Why do I write this?

Because this is the passing of time. 

And as we all know, time IS our most valuable resource and something we cannot get back.

So what do we do with our limited time?

Many of us continue to live in this cycle of day in and day out - with the days circling through like a merry-go-round.

Some of us though, notice the spinning - and rather than accept it, try to find a way off the merry-go-round.

So what do we want instead?

We want our life to be like a path of wonder and beauty. Of exploration. Of endless days. Of new experiences. 

Now don’t get me wrong, we’re not avoiding hard work or the “harsh reality” that is life (as many people like to remind us).

Rather, we are looking for another way. 

We are looking to find that passion that causes us to launch out of bed and be willing to work until the wee hours of the morning without the whisper of a complaint.

Sure it will be hard. We will be tired. We will have our incredible highs and lows. But we also know it will be worth it - because we are off the merry-go-round of merely existing.

So how do we do this? How do we find this ever elusive thing called a calling?

I believe it lies in our ability to be self-aware.

Do you know what following your gut instinct feels like? Have you been listening to your instinct - what God has been telling you - or have you been ignoring it? Have you even given yourself a moment to be quiet and truthful with yourself? 

Jeff Goins says in his blog, 

“Your life is a mystery, and your job is to study it. Through prayer, meditation, or simple reflection, we all must become more self-aware. This is the only way we can stop letting life happen to us and become more active participants in it.”

When we ignore that ‘gut feeling’ - and many of us do - it can be painful when we finally do stop and listen, because it often tells us things we don’t want to hear or things we have been ignoring.

However, when we are in line with our intuition there is no greater feeling.

It doesn’t mean that things are perfect. 

From personal experience, there have been moments when I knew that something was off - even moments when I knew exactly what the problem was.

Sometimes it was my fault and I continued to ignore the nagging feeling until it came bursting to the surface. 

Other times it has been more subtle. I knew what was wrong but couldn’t change it right away. So rather than ignore the feeling, I recognized it and started the long process of making a change, even if it wasn’t immediate.

This ability to be self-aware and to pray gives us the sense to know when something is right or wrong for us - even when the rest of the world disagrees.

It gives us the insight to turn down that job offer despite what everyone is saying. 

It gives us the confidence to return to school and this time study fine art because you just know that that is what you are supposed to be doing.

It gives us the ability to make the decision to uproot a life that looks amazing to the outsider and choose instead to live in a rural village without basic necessities and work with an organization like the Peace Corps or Doctors Without Borders because it makes your soul come alive.

It means we have a sense of what we should be doing.

It means we have the ability to write our own story.

I believe we all have this ability hidden deep within us and God gives each of us purpose. We just need to spend the time to uncover it.

We all know when something feels right or when it feels wrong - even when it is the opposite of what others tell us.

Unfortunately distractions today are easier to come by than ever, so it is increasingly easy to ignore our own gut instinct.

I sometimes wonder what would happen to American society if everyone was forced away from their chosen distractions…

Would people become more aware? Would there be a sudden shift towards increased consciousness? Would we find more people challenging the status quo for something better? Something different?

If we all have the voice of God guiding us throughout our lives, then it just becomes a matter of whether or not we are listening.

If we ignore it, life can still be good. We can live in a great place, have a family, learn a skill, become a master in that skill and become “successful”. But will our souls be satisfied?

If we listen, we could end up anywhere doing anything and it may not be the “stable” normal life that has become the norm in our world or it may be just that. But if my soul is satisfied and I know I have followed Gods path for my life - that will make it worth it, 100 times over.

So today, give yourself a few minutes without distractions and pray or meditate silently. Allow your inner voice to speak. See what it tells you. And rather than ignore it, start to listen and take what you hear into consideration.

Are you listening?