How To Figure Out What You Want & The Magic Of Taking Action

Running along the beach, my feel pounding against the rough sand, my breath shallow and quick I found myself at a crossroads. My mind was overwhelmed. Tears were dragging backwards towards my ears as the wind tore at my face. At that moment all I could focus on was putting one foot in front of the other.

I was facing the most difficult decision of my life.

Not only was I considering a complete career change - that would dramatically alter the future - I was also choosing to turn away from what I considered at one point to be the “dream job”. What I had placed much of my identity upon. 

The job I was debating had seemed the perfect intersection of all of my interests; marketing, economic development, nonprofit work, entrepreneurship, mentoring, microcredit, my faith and to top it all off was located in my favorite city in the world - Cape Town, South Africa. 

It was a dream come true.

And yet, I was in the midst of making the decision to derail it. By my own hand.

Why?

Because I had known. I had known for a while at that point - that this was not the job for me. That as “perfect” as it had appeared on paper, it did not match up to who I was or what I wanted and needed out of life. However, I was afraid. 

I was afraid to step away from the thing I had told everyone was “perfect for me”. I was afraid of what THEY would think!

I had uprooted and moved my entire life from Santa Barbara, California to Cape Town, South Africa at great cost to me and with a huge amount of support from friends and family all over the country. I was sending out monthly newsletters updating my network about what was going on in my life and all the great things happening at work and in the world I was now a part of.

It seemed too big to give up on. Too big to turn away from. Too big to admit that something was wrong.

I wanted to be wrong. I wanted the gut feeling to be inaccurate - for it to just be some indigestion or a fleeting thought. That God would show me the truth and my uncanny feeling would be wrong.

Instead, it just got stronger. 

Which is what led me to the moment on the beach.

As I stood there, completely alone, with the sound of crashing waves echoing in my ears, feeling the icy water rush up around my feet and my toes sink into the grainy and heavy sand, I felt hopeless.

I had tried so hard and managed to get to my DREAM. Managed to do THE IMPOSSIBLE. And yet, it wasn’t right.

I felt like an ungrateful child of the universe. Like there was something wrong with me. THIS was supposed to be the moment of feeling fulfilled and on top of the world, of knowing I had found my calling.

Instead, I was experiencing the utter disappointment of realizing my “dream” wasn’t actually what I wanted. 

Admitting that to myself felt shocking and like an impending identity crisis (which it totally was), yet I knew it was the right decision with all my heart and soul.

So on Monday I walked in with a resignation letter ready and resigned.

Was it difficult? Yes.

Was I worried about what people thought about me? Yes.

Did I feel like a complete and utter failure? Yes.

Did I wallow in sadness and disappointment with myself? Yes.

But I did it. And I am so happy I did.

A few months after some soul searching, reading and really getting creative, I finally found something that forced me to grow in completely new ways and blessed me in more ways than I could have ever planned (isn’t God so awesome?!).

Now, just over a year and a half later since the beach moment, I am back in Santa Barbara, California - missing my Cape Town home and family - but also happy and in such a different place emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually - than I was before.

Not only did I reach my goal (which is incredible in itself - I mean I freaking managed to move and work in South Africa!), I also learned a HUGE amount about who I am.

I gave it a shot and it didn’t work. But thats ok.

Recently in BSCHOOL, Marie Forleo said, 

“Behave your way to success and the belief will follow.”

Jeff Goins recommends this process:

• You do it.
• You believe it.
• You become it.

Starting before your ready seems to be a common theme, and for good reason. By putting yourself out there and DOING something you get to test the waters out for yourself. 

Think about this - rather than have someone tell you the hot tub is absolutely lovely and you imagine the way the warm water and jets must feel - you actually get in the tub and experience it. And the funny thing is, you may hate it - or you may love it just as much as the next person.

It is the experience that differentiates you. It is what makes you different from the dreamer who never touches her toes to the water. 

Which is why I find myself incredibly thankful for my ex-dream job. I learned that what I thought I wanted, wasn’t actually IT, which has since set me on a path much more aligned with who I believe I am.

“You don’t think your way into clarity. Clarity comes with action.” Jeff Goins

The necessary action was for me to take this job and move halfway around the world in order to discover that what I thought was the ultimate dream, really wasn’t…at least not for me.

And that is ok.

At least I gave it a shot.

Because I would rather have given it a shot, failed and continued to move forward with new goals rather than to have never tried and still be stuck on the same “dream”.

And who knows, maybe this next dream will be another hiccup along the journey of life and will become my second ex-dream. But at the same time, maybe it won’t. Maybe I will have the found the thing that makes my soul sing.

Until then, at least I will know that I have tried.

Do you have any examples of ex-goals? Things you thought you wanted, tried and then realized weren’t for you? Let me know in the comments below.

Some links to check out:

Marie Forleo: BSCHOOL

Jeff Goins: The Best Way to Not Become a Writer (and What to Do Instead)

Your To Don’t List

Todays blog is going to be a bit more practical than normal.

To Do Lists.

We hate them. We love them. And we love to hate them.

Many of us live by them. Whether written down, in an app, noted on our phone or just cluttering up our thoughts - it seems the to do list goes on and on with no end.

Yet it feels so satisfying to check those items off.

At least it does for me. 

And at my current job, it seems I am constantly checking items off and adding more at the same time. I sometimes wonder if it will ever be completely done. (Probably not).

So when I saw this idea of creating a To Don’t List I was at first confused, then intrigued and then surprised by how genius and yet simple it was.

Everyone has things they know they shouldn’t be doing. The things that fill our time and lead us to think at the end of the day, “Where did my day go? How did I get nothing done?”. 

You know exactly what I’m talking about.

We all have our time wasters - the things we do out of habit or because we don’t want to think or because it will only take a minute - but instead end up taking one hour, a few hours or an entire day.

We also all have choices we know aren’t in our best interest - that we do anyway. Whether its going out drinking when we know we have responsibilities the next day. Or staying up watching TV series until 3am when we need to wake up at 6. Or even choosing to do something other than that thing we know needs to get done - like now.

We have To Don’t List items related to our personal goals. For example, when trying to lose weight we know that rather than sitting around drinking beer and watching football all day - that it may be better to be active outside and eat a salad instead. Or if we’re trying to start a business - it can be a better choice to work on our latest blog post rather than watching movies with friends. Or if we are always tired, it may be better to get to bed an hour earlier, rather than cleaning the house.

All of these things apply.

And for each one of us it is personal.

There is no one right or wrong To Don’t List.

We each have our own based on our personal desires, goals and what we want out of life.

So maybe it’s time we each sit down and really consider what is getting in the way of us pursuing our goals and make our own To Don’t List.

I know I will.

In fact, the more aware I’ve become of the To Don’t List, the more I’ve caught onto the number of undesirable activities I have in my own life. The things I use to distract or numb myself. The things I use to validate myself that take up unnecessary time. The things I procrastinate with. The things I know don’t take me a single step towards any of my goals. 

It is time I’m honest with myself, point these things out, and consciously choose to avoid them.

So the next time I lie on the couch thinking I will scroll through Facebook for only a minute - which always ends up taking much longer than that - instead I will recognize it as one of my To Don’t List items and instead do something that I know will make a difference in my life and take me a step closer to my goals. Like going out on a run or working on my website or reading a book I’ve recently picked up or spending time with God.

Because I know when I reach the end of the day, I will be much happier with myself if I chose to do something progressive towards my goals rather than realize I spent my day on social media (like I did this past Saturday - stupid me!). I will feel more accomplished and like I did something that mattered.

That moves me forward.

That changes me for the better and allows for progression.

As we all know, we never stop changing. Change is good and it is inevitable - so we may as well be changing towards the life we want to live and who God made us to be - rather than staying the same or regressing. 

And if you’re a goal driven individual like me, then you have likely heard some version of this quote,

“It’s not about “having” time. It’s about making time.”

And if that is the case, then this is the perfect way to make sure you utilize the 24 hours you have been gifted each day to their fullest potential. Because we’ve all been given the same 24 hours - and it really comes down to how you use it.

So what will you add to your To Don't List? Let me know in the comments below.

A Miracle on Leap Day

So yesterday, on Leap Day - the 29th of February - that only happens once every four years, I had a miracle. 

I found a full time job.

I’m pretty sure that nearly everyone has experienced first hand the tough reality of finding work.

Finding part time work is tough enough. I applied to many different positions and found that I was often “not what we are looking for” or due to my age (a young nearly 26 year old) and experience “you seem overqualified for such a position”. 

As much as a few of these comments from various potential employers may hold true, it doesn’t mean I didn’t need the work. In todays US economy, a college degree is quickly becoming the equivalent of what a high school degree once was - with many 20-something-college-grads ending up in jobs that yes may be fun and lead to interesting lifestyles, but are also far underpaid what our parents expected after graduating from college - with much higher debt.

So with that in mind, I didn’t allow these comments to get me down and instead continued the battle to find consistent work in a location I love - Santa Barbara. 

Yes, some people probably consider me to be crazy to move to an expensive and desirable California location without a job. But then again, ever since I decided to move to Cape Town, South Africa for 2.5 years - the crazy comments from friends and family have dramatically decreased. (I think I’ve just become “one of those people” who manages to do crazy things that others deem irresponsible, dangerous, spontaneous and just “too out there for a young woman like yourself”.)

But I did it anyway.

I know Santa Barbara is the place I want to be. A place where I enjoy the lifestyle and can honestly live pretty cheaply (other than rent). Currently I am traveling via bike (so no car payments or gas, yay!) and spend most of my off time enjoying free outdoor activities like beach volleyball, running and hiking with friends. I cook nearly every meal at home (low restaurant bills AND healthy food) and don't drink much when I do go out (low alcohol bills). So yes it is possible to do.

Regardless of this, I still knew I needed a steady income. 

My first step was to reach out to independent entrepreneurs who needed help with some of their marketing - and a month ago landed my first freelance gig.

Then last week I signed on a second marketing client.

Both of them brought in some funds - but nowhere near enough to cover rent and basic expenses (even with all of my cost cutting strategies above) - so I knew I had to keep looking.

So I did.

And on Sunday I had a particularly difficult conversation with my parents about running into dead end after dead end on the full time job hunt. 

It turns out, most of the job hunt is knowing people on the inside blended with pure luck, and up until yesterday, I didn’t have that mix quite figured out yet.

In fact, on Friday, I found myself taking a further step into the unknown by officially becoming a California resident (my Rhode Island license sadly now has a hole in it) and registering to vote as a Californian (side note: to all those millennials, please, please, please get out and vote and make sure that our wonderful USA is not run by a crazy man - please for the sake of all of us who want to travel internationally ever again and don’t want another world war - ok rant over).

I was becoming a California resident with no job and only an address in the area to prove that I was living there. To some people it would seem, what was I thinking?

I was thinking that I needed to step out in FAITH and BELIEVE. Believe the gut feeling that I was supposed to be here in Santa Barbara. The gut feeling that had me telling friends over a year ago that I would likely move back to Santa Barbara when I returned to the States.

So I followed that sense and found some awesomely generous friends (thanks Mike & Amanda!) to crash with who didn’t even try to push me out after a week. And then found my the ideal home with a young woman I met on Craigslist, in a part of town where I could easily access most of the downtown and beach by bike. How PERFECT is that?

The “only” thing missing was a job. This wasn’t a small “only”. It could make or break my ability to stay in the area. 

I knew I had a bit of a cushion, but also knew that I had limited time - so had to find something NOW.

Anyway, that is how I got to where I am now.

Application after application seemed to land on deaf ears. I was talking and meeting people - but a job in marketing - that I was qualified for - where I knew the right people - just didn’t seem to exist. 

I was losing hope.

I was looking at every alternative hoping that something could work.

My blog? Could I make money with it? Could I start another website and sell a product? If so, what? Could I utilize my studies in nutrition to actually start a health coaching business? Is this really what I wanted to do? 

Question after question swirled in my mind daily - but nothing seemed viable enough to make money quickly. And if I was honest with myself, I knew that I didn’t want part of a quick rich scheme. Rather I wanted to build a tribe over time. A community of people who feel empowered by what I write. People who enjoy what I have to say. People who trust me.

A community that I can be generous with - and vulnerable with.

A community that wants to connect. That wants something more than just another flashy website and brand trying to sell something.

Sure, there is great likeliness that this will morph with time. I may further narrow my focus (and I’ve got a few ideas up my sleeve that I’m thinking about launching soon). I may offer one on one coaching with people in health and in transition. I may write a book or launch an online course or offer an E-book. Honestly, who knows. 

As of right now, all I know is I want be genuine. And I want you - as the reader - to feel that honesty radiating from me to you.

So thats what I’m doing.

And as it turns out, yesterday I went to an interview thinking I would be rejected once again. And rather than be rejected, I was offered another position in the company that is opening up next week. In fact, the young woman who has the position is leaving next Tuesday for her new job and they were very excited at the prospect of having me there to shadow her until she leaves.

So I walked out the door with a job offer.

A job offer that brings stability. A job offer with benefits. And one that means I can stay here and truly make this place home.

It doesn’t mean I’ve abandoned my dream of starting my own company. Far from it.

Rather, this is the stability I need to make my dream a reality. Without the stress of money constantly pressing down, and with my frugal habits I know this allows me to focus full time (outside of work) on building this community and building something that hopefully in the next few years, does work and does provide the lifestyle as well as the financial security I need for the long haul.

So I start tomorrow.

Yes it will be a challenge. Yes it will be a change. And yes I am terrified about everything I am about step into. 

But as I know from life’s experiences, God always places you where you are supposed to be. He knows what He is doing even when we don’t. 

So I expect this to be a learning experience. One where I will grow and gain new skills. One where I will fail. One where I will succeed. And one where ultimately, I will be glad it happened.

So as I cycle (uphill, mind you) to work tomorrow I will keep this in mind and remember that this is just one more stepping stone in my journey of life.