How To Figure Out What You Want & The Magic Of Taking Action

Running along the beach, my feel pounding against the rough sand, my breath shallow and quick I found myself at a crossroads. My mind was overwhelmed. Tears were dragging backwards towards my ears as the wind tore at my face. At that moment all I could focus on was putting one foot in front of the other.

I was facing the most difficult decision of my life.

Not only was I considering a complete career change - that would dramatically alter the future - I was also choosing to turn away from what I considered at one point to be the “dream job”. What I had placed much of my identity upon. 

The job I was debating had seemed the perfect intersection of all of my interests; marketing, economic development, nonprofit work, entrepreneurship, mentoring, microcredit, my faith and to top it all off was located in my favorite city in the world - Cape Town, South Africa. 

It was a dream come true.

And yet, I was in the midst of making the decision to derail it. By my own hand.

Why?

Because I had known. I had known for a while at that point - that this was not the job for me. That as “perfect” as it had appeared on paper, it did not match up to who I was or what I wanted and needed out of life. However, I was afraid. 

I was afraid to step away from the thing I had told everyone was “perfect for me”. I was afraid of what THEY would think!

I had uprooted and moved my entire life from Santa Barbara, California to Cape Town, South Africa at great cost to me and with a huge amount of support from friends and family all over the country. I was sending out monthly newsletters updating my network about what was going on in my life and all the great things happening at work and in the world I was now a part of.

It seemed too big to give up on. Too big to turn away from. Too big to admit that something was wrong.

I wanted to be wrong. I wanted the gut feeling to be inaccurate - for it to just be some indigestion or a fleeting thought. That God would show me the truth and my uncanny feeling would be wrong.

Instead, it just got stronger. 

Which is what led me to the moment on the beach.

As I stood there, completely alone, with the sound of crashing waves echoing in my ears, feeling the icy water rush up around my feet and my toes sink into the grainy and heavy sand, I felt hopeless.

I had tried so hard and managed to get to my DREAM. Managed to do THE IMPOSSIBLE. And yet, it wasn’t right.

I felt like an ungrateful child of the universe. Like there was something wrong with me. THIS was supposed to be the moment of feeling fulfilled and on top of the world, of knowing I had found my calling.

Instead, I was experiencing the utter disappointment of realizing my “dream” wasn’t actually what I wanted. 

Admitting that to myself felt shocking and like an impending identity crisis (which it totally was), yet I knew it was the right decision with all my heart and soul.

So on Monday I walked in with a resignation letter ready and resigned.

Was it difficult? Yes.

Was I worried about what people thought about me? Yes.

Did I feel like a complete and utter failure? Yes.

Did I wallow in sadness and disappointment with myself? Yes.

But I did it. And I am so happy I did.

A few months after some soul searching, reading and really getting creative, I finally found something that forced me to grow in completely new ways and blessed me in more ways than I could have ever planned (isn’t God so awesome?!).

Now, just over a year and a half later since the beach moment, I am back in Santa Barbara, California - missing my Cape Town home and family - but also happy and in such a different place emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually - than I was before.

Not only did I reach my goal (which is incredible in itself - I mean I freaking managed to move and work in South Africa!), I also learned a HUGE amount about who I am.

I gave it a shot and it didn’t work. But thats ok.

Recently in BSCHOOL, Marie Forleo said, 

“Behave your way to success and the belief will follow.”

Jeff Goins recommends this process:

• You do it.
• You believe it.
• You become it.

Starting before your ready seems to be a common theme, and for good reason. By putting yourself out there and DOING something you get to test the waters out for yourself. 

Think about this - rather than have someone tell you the hot tub is absolutely lovely and you imagine the way the warm water and jets must feel - you actually get in the tub and experience it. And the funny thing is, you may hate it - or you may love it just as much as the next person.

It is the experience that differentiates you. It is what makes you different from the dreamer who never touches her toes to the water. 

Which is why I find myself incredibly thankful for my ex-dream job. I learned that what I thought I wanted, wasn’t actually IT, which has since set me on a path much more aligned with who I believe I am.

“You don’t think your way into clarity. Clarity comes with action.” Jeff Goins

The necessary action was for me to take this job and move halfway around the world in order to discover that what I thought was the ultimate dream, really wasn’t…at least not for me.

And that is ok.

At least I gave it a shot.

Because I would rather have given it a shot, failed and continued to move forward with new goals rather than to have never tried and still be stuck on the same “dream”.

And who knows, maybe this next dream will be another hiccup along the journey of life and will become my second ex-dream. But at the same time, maybe it won’t. Maybe I will have the found the thing that makes my soul sing.

Until then, at least I will know that I have tried.

Do you have any examples of ex-goals? Things you thought you wanted, tried and then realized weren’t for you? Let me know in the comments below.

Some links to check out:

Marie Forleo: BSCHOOL

Jeff Goins: The Best Way to Not Become a Writer (and What to Do Instead)

Your To Don’t List

Todays blog is going to be a bit more practical than normal.

To Do Lists.

We hate them. We love them. And we love to hate them.

Many of us live by them. Whether written down, in an app, noted on our phone or just cluttering up our thoughts - it seems the to do list goes on and on with no end.

Yet it feels so satisfying to check those items off.

At least it does for me. 

And at my current job, it seems I am constantly checking items off and adding more at the same time. I sometimes wonder if it will ever be completely done. (Probably not).

So when I saw this idea of creating a To Don’t List I was at first confused, then intrigued and then surprised by how genius and yet simple it was.

Everyone has things they know they shouldn’t be doing. The things that fill our time and lead us to think at the end of the day, “Where did my day go? How did I get nothing done?”. 

You know exactly what I’m talking about.

We all have our time wasters - the things we do out of habit or because we don’t want to think or because it will only take a minute - but instead end up taking one hour, a few hours or an entire day.

We also all have choices we know aren’t in our best interest - that we do anyway. Whether its going out drinking when we know we have responsibilities the next day. Or staying up watching TV series until 3am when we need to wake up at 6. Or even choosing to do something other than that thing we know needs to get done - like now.

We have To Don’t List items related to our personal goals. For example, when trying to lose weight we know that rather than sitting around drinking beer and watching football all day - that it may be better to be active outside and eat a salad instead. Or if we’re trying to start a business - it can be a better choice to work on our latest blog post rather than watching movies with friends. Or if we are always tired, it may be better to get to bed an hour earlier, rather than cleaning the house.

All of these things apply.

And for each one of us it is personal.

There is no one right or wrong To Don’t List.

We each have our own based on our personal desires, goals and what we want out of life.

So maybe it’s time we each sit down and really consider what is getting in the way of us pursuing our goals and make our own To Don’t List.

I know I will.

In fact, the more aware I’ve become of the To Don’t List, the more I’ve caught onto the number of undesirable activities I have in my own life. The things I use to distract or numb myself. The things I use to validate myself that take up unnecessary time. The things I procrastinate with. The things I know don’t take me a single step towards any of my goals. 

It is time I’m honest with myself, point these things out, and consciously choose to avoid them.

So the next time I lie on the couch thinking I will scroll through Facebook for only a minute - which always ends up taking much longer than that - instead I will recognize it as one of my To Don’t List items and instead do something that I know will make a difference in my life and take me a step closer to my goals. Like going out on a run or working on my website or reading a book I’ve recently picked up or spending time with God.

Because I know when I reach the end of the day, I will be much happier with myself if I chose to do something progressive towards my goals rather than realize I spent my day on social media (like I did this past Saturday - stupid me!). I will feel more accomplished and like I did something that mattered.

That moves me forward.

That changes me for the better and allows for progression.

As we all know, we never stop changing. Change is good and it is inevitable - so we may as well be changing towards the life we want to live and who God made us to be - rather than staying the same or regressing. 

And if you’re a goal driven individual like me, then you have likely heard some version of this quote,

“It’s not about “having” time. It’s about making time.”

And if that is the case, then this is the perfect way to make sure you utilize the 24 hours you have been gifted each day to their fullest potential. Because we’ve all been given the same 24 hours - and it really comes down to how you use it.

So what will you add to your To Don't List? Let me know in the comments below.

Are You A Human Being?

Or are you a Human Doing?

Have you ever paused to consider what human being, the very words we use to describe ourselves, really mean?

hu-man be-ing (noun) a man, woman, or child of the species Homo sapiens, distinguished from other animals by superior mental development, power of articulate speech, and upright stance.

Is it a surprise that the very term we use to describe our species, humanity in general, has the word BEING in it?

Now what does being mean?

be-ing

1. present participle of be
2. existence

And be? Well be means to exist.

So what is it with our obsession to constantly be in action? To constantly be doing?

Yesterday at church, a friend asked me how I was, and all I could answer was that I was busy.

Busy.

Really? Is that what I am? At my current emotional and physical state, is that what I am?

As I walked away I had the unsettling feeling that I had said something that I didn’t agree with. I wasn’t busy. I am. I am a person. I am a soul. Granted I am a person living in a season of chaos. I am confused. My mind is constantly streaming. I am starting a new job, finishing up my certification as a Certified Health Coach (I will be done in about a week, yay!). Starting an online business course and still getting settled into a new life. But I know this is a season, and no matter how crazy it may feel, it shouldn’t define me. 

It doesn’t define me.

Yet, once again I found that busy word slipping out of my mouth.

I know this isn’t just me. Ask any five people how they are in America - or granted most first world countries - and I can almost guarantee that at least one if not three will respond with something similar to busy.

What caused us to lose touch with the very essence of being human?

To sit still. To listen to the life pumping from our hearts. To calm our thoughts. To focus on our breath. To spend time in prayer, meditation or reading sacred texts?

Is it social media? A focus on success? Technology? The pace of the world? High work expectations? The “American Dream”? What?

It could be all of them, it could be none of them. Regardless, it has happened, and I think humanity has suffered as a collective due to it.

We have lost touch with others, with the natural world, our own bodies and with our creator.

The constant action of doing has become an addiction. An idol. Something we define ourselves by. 

I think it is time to change.

It is time we learn how to listen to our bodies. To understand what it is we really need. To spend time with family. To cultivate close friendly and romantic relationships. To stare at our partners in bed, rather than our phones before falling asleep. 

To notice the sweet smelling flowers in bloom as we run (Santa Barbara is absolutely bursting with floral scents along every sidewalk - jasmine, orange blossoms, roses and much more - it is amazing!). To spend time staring at and appreciating the nature that surrounds us - whether snow piled high or red rocks glowing as the sun sets or the mountains emerging from the darkness as the sun rises - it is all beautiful and an amazing gift.

To recognize what our bodies are really feeling. Recognize when we are exhausted and allowing ourselves to stop and sleep. Recognize that our bodies tell us what they want if we just pay attention. Be willing to experiment with foods to learn what makes us feel our best.

To recognize that there is something greater than ourselves in this universe and beyond. To allow our soul exploration and discovery. To allow ourselves to connect with God.

The concepts of fighting through life and pulling yourself up by the bootstraps are motivating, yes - but personally, I am starting to believe they are wrong.

We are meant to depend on God. To depend on one another. On the community around us. We are relational beings. 

When we unclench our fists and let go of the control we want over our lives- and give it over to God, something amazing happens. The pressure is lifted. It is no longer us against the world instead it is us with God. 

He gave us our individual desires and abilities for a reason. 

There is a reason I am so in love with Cape Town, South Africa that I went to live there for 2.5 years and have left a bit of myself there (and will be back again!).

There is a reason I have the dream to start my own business.

A reason I started this blog.

I do not believe that giving up control means giving up on your dreams - rather it is lifting them from our shoulders. Giving them over to a power far greater than our own. Giving ourselves the ability to be calm, to listen, to live and ultimately - just BE.

So join me. Choose to alleviate the pressure and focus on how you can change the way you look at yourself and your life so when someone asks, how are you? the answer is no longer just busy - rather it is something more. Because you are more than what you are doing. You are a HUMAN BEING.