Time.
Time seems to be that one thing that no one has enough of.
Whether it’s in a day. Or in a season. Or in a lifetime. It seems time is one of, if not THE most valuable asset we have.
Is it just me, or is it ridiculously easy to get wrapped up in the hectic pace of life and forget about what really matters?
Often I feel like I’m the only one who lets life get in the way of the most important relationship in my life - my relationship with Christ. Yet, I know that it is likely far more common than I am aware.
When I come to a season of seemingly having no time for God, I don’t tend to notice until life has unraveled in one form or another.
I have recently come to one of these moments.
A moment of realizing that I have drifted away slowly but surely from my daily time with the Lord - which should be the only thing that matters.
I’ve noticed - that since moving to Santa Barbara in late January - I’ve given myself almost no time to be still. No time to reflect. No time to just be.
Instead, I moved here with the intent to make it home. Within a week, I found a place to live and within a month and a half, a full time job. Even before finding the job, I was busy and preoccupied - running around with contract work to make ends meet and deep in the midst of the job hunt.
Then almost as soon as I started the new job, I also started Marie Forleo’s B-School, which has been both fantastic, but also incredibly stressful. I have felt the mounting pressure to figure out exactly what it is I want to be doing, what it is I should be doing. What it is I am meant to be doing. I’m only halfway through the course (about 3 weeks behind - thank God I have access to the course for life so can do this at my own pace) but even at this point, I am constantly questioning my choices.
I mean what if? What if I make the wrong decisions? What if I fail horribly? What if this thing I think is my purpose, isn’t? What if I’m completely on the wrong track?
How do I know?
Well it turns out in all of this chaos, I have forgotten God.
I haven’t forgotten that I am His child or my church and community life. Rather I have forgotten to bring these questions to Him. To have this conversation with Him - rather than just with myself.
I have forgotten my daily practice with Him. Of reading the scriptures. Of spending time in meditation and prayer everyday.
I have forgotten that He has the best plan for my life. That He knows where I should go and what it is I should be doing. He knows. He is the Almighty. And yet, despite my 10+ year long faith, I managed to FORGET about Him.
And it is only now, nearly the end of April, that I have come to this realization.
In the past few weeks, rather than spending quality time with Him I have been spending that time mulling over what kind of businesses would make the most sense. How I can be most successful. What my imagined life looks like into the future.
I have even gone so far as to consider next steps like joining the Peace Corps, or going back to university for a Masters Degree. All because of a fear of being stuck, of not living a life of purpose, a life devoid of meaning.
It seems that in just two months I lost touch with that clear calling to return to Santa Barbara that I had when I first returned to the States. That I knew I was supposed to be HERE and that this was going to be a season - and a GOOD season at that.
It’s not that the Peace Corps or going back for a Masters Degree is off the table as I could see taking both of these routes at some point in the next 5 years.
Rather the timing isn’t right now.
In fact, when I voice my concerns to friends and family the responses have more or less been,
“Maybe this is a time to just wait on God.”
“I feel like this a season of rest for you. To be and to dwell with God. And it will be good. Enjoy it.”
Why does it seem like everyone else gets it and I don’t? Even as it relates to my own life? Why is this such a struggle for me?
Am I just stubborn? Am I a typical “millennial” (whatever that means)?
Or is it because of something deeper and darker? Something called FEAR?
As it turns out, fear is an extremely strong driving force.
And it seems that I am being driven by fear at the moment.
On Sunday I filled an entire page in my journal writing a list of everything I was afraid of. Of all the circumstances and realities I am trying to avoid. The things that are keeping me in this spiral of indecision and anxiety. That little voice inside my head telling me I need to get out now. To change something now or forever be stuck in discontent, knowing I can do more, but unable too.
A fear of getting older, of running out of time, of “settling down” too early, of not traveling the world, of never returning to my home away from home - Cape Town, South Africa - of not living the crazy and purposeful life I desire soon enough. Of missing the chances I may only get once in a lifetime.
Rather than trust and lean on God, I have instead decided to do things my way in order to prevent these fears from becoming a reality.
Instead of trusting God to do the right thing in the right timing, I have been trying to take control of as much as possible and have allowed these things to ultimately distract me from my relationship with God.
I have allowed distrust and my desire for control to take over. I have forgotten that I have a purpose here in this place where I find myself now.
So in the most public way I know possible, I am declaring that I have decided to take back my time with God. To wake up that 15 minutes earlier to get the quiet time I need first thing in the morning. To allow myself to step back from B-School and my constant brainstorming and instead focus on God and what He has to say to his beloved child, me.
Because in the end that is all that matters. I am loved by God and He IS my constant companion.
So in your own life consider, what REALLY matters? Is there anything you’ve been neglecting recently? Are you being driven by fear?
And if so, what can you do to change it?