Time For God

Time.

Time seems to be that one thing that no one has enough of.

Whether it’s in a day. Or in a season. Or in a lifetime. It seems time is one of, if not THE most valuable asset we have.

Is it just me, or is it ridiculously easy to get wrapped up in the hectic pace of life and forget about what really matters?

Often I feel like I’m the only one who lets life get in the way of the most important relationship in my life - my relationship with Christ. Yet, I know that it is likely far more common than I am aware.

When I come to a season of seemingly having no time for God, I don’t tend to notice until life has unraveled in one form or another.

I have recently come to one of these moments.

A moment of realizing that I have drifted away slowly but surely from my daily time with the Lord - which should be the only thing that matters.

I’ve noticed - that since moving to Santa Barbara in late January - I’ve given myself almost no time to be still. No time to reflect. No time to just be.

Instead, I moved here with the intent to make it home. Within a week, I found a place to live and within a month and a half, a full time job. Even before finding the job, I was busy and preoccupied - running around with contract work to make ends meet and deep in the midst of the job hunt. 

Then almost as soon as I started the new job, I also started Marie Forleo’s B-School, which has been both fantastic, but also incredibly stressful. I have felt the mounting pressure to figure out exactly what it is I want to be doing, what it is I should be doing. What it is I am meant to be doing. I’m only halfway through the course (about 3 weeks behind - thank God I have access to the course for life so can do this at my own pace) but even at this point, I am constantly questioning my choices. 

I mean what if? What if I make the wrong decisions? What if I fail horribly? What if this thing I think is my purpose, isn’t? What if I’m completely on the wrong track? 

How do I know?

Well it turns out in all of this chaos, I have forgotten God. 

I haven’t forgotten that I am His child or my church and community life. Rather I have forgotten to bring these questions to Him. To have this conversation with Him - rather than just with myself. 

I have forgotten my daily practice with Him. Of reading the scriptures. Of spending time in meditation and prayer everyday.

I have forgotten that He has the best plan for my life. That He knows where I should go and what it is I should be doing. He knows. He is the Almighty. And yet, despite my 10+ year long faith, I managed to FORGET about Him.

And it is only now, nearly the end of April, that I have come to this realization.

In the past few weeks, rather than spending quality time with Him I have been spending that time mulling over what kind of businesses would make the most sense. How I can be most successful. What my imagined life looks like into the future. 

I have even gone so far as to consider next steps like joining the Peace Corps, or going back to university for a Masters Degree. All because of a fear of being stuck, of not living a life of purpose, a life devoid of meaning.

It seems that in just two months I lost touch with that clear calling to return to Santa Barbara that I had when I first returned to the States. That I knew I was supposed to be HERE and that this was going to be a season - and a GOOD season at that.

It’s not that the Peace Corps or going back for a Masters Degree is off the table as I could see taking both of these routes at some point in the next 5 years. 

Rather the timing isn’t right now.

In fact, when I voice my concerns to friends and family the responses have more or less been, 

“Maybe this is a time to just wait on God.”

“I feel like this a season of rest for you. To be and to dwell with God. And it will be good. Enjoy it.”

 

Why does it seem like everyone else gets it and I don’t? Even as it relates to my own life? Why is this such a struggle for me?

Am I just stubborn? Am I a typical “millennial” (whatever that means)?

Or is it because of something deeper and darker? Something called FEAR?

As it turns out, fear is an extremely strong driving force. 

And it seems that I am being driven by fear at the moment.

On Sunday I filled an entire page in my journal writing a list of everything I was afraid of. Of all the circumstances and realities I am trying to avoid. The things that are keeping me in this spiral of indecision and anxiety. That little voice inside my head telling me I need to get out now. To change something now or forever be stuck in discontent, knowing I can do more, but unable too. 

A fear of getting older, of running out of time, of “settling down” too early, of not traveling the world, of never returning to my home away from home - Cape Town, South Africa - of not living the crazy and purposeful life I desire soon enough. Of missing the chances I may only get once in a lifetime.

Rather than trust and lean on God, I have instead decided to do things my way in order to prevent these fears from becoming a reality. 

Instead of trusting God to do the right thing in the right timing, I have been trying to take control of as much as possible and have allowed these things to ultimately distract me from my relationship with God.

I have allowed distrust and my desire for control to take over. I have forgotten that I have a purpose here in this place where I find myself now. 

So in the most public way I know possible, I am declaring that I have decided to take back my time with God. To wake up that 15 minutes earlier to get the quiet time I need first thing in the morning. To allow myself to step back from B-School and my constant brainstorming and instead focus on God and what He has to say to his beloved child, me. 

Because in the end that is all that matters. I am loved by God and He IS my constant companion.

So in your own life consider, what REALLY matters? Is there anything you’ve been neglecting recently? Are you being driven by fear?

And if so, what can you do to change it?

Stuck.

I strongly dislike the word stuck. 

As an extremely independent individual, stuck brings up many negative connotations.

The word itself has a number of definitions - but the ones most fitting for my dislike are the informal definitions, including:

1. Unable to progress with a task or find the answer or solution to something.
2. Be or remain in a specified place or situation, typically one perceived as tedious or unpleasant.
3. Be at a loss for or in need of.
4. Unable to get rid of or escape from.

So, why do I dislike this word so much?

Well because feeling stuck brings me to a place of desperation, of need. It creates a strong gut reaction to get out. To get away. A deep sense of needing something to change - of a lack of balance. 

And to be stuck is one of my biggest fears.

Stuck is what happens when you give up. 

Stuck is what happens when you find yourself dwelling on a decision for hours on end twirling the thoughts around and around and around in your head endlessly with no coming solution.

Stuck is when you find yourself wasting time online - on social media - or any other diversion in order to distract yourself from that pressing feeling of something needing to be done now - but due to whatever reasons you just can’t do it right now.

I do believe everyone knows what I am talking about - but there are some of us who are more sensitive to it than others. 

And sadly, I believe there are even more people in the world who have desensitized themselves to this feeling or have reasoned their way out of it.

Settling is the friend of stuck. I’ve talked to far too many individuals who have settled into a lifestyle they hate - for whatever reason. Or friends who two years ago felt stuck in their current job, city, friend group, relationship, etc… who have just decided it is “the way it is” and are no longer fighting for a change. 

Seeing this drives me crazy. And it drives me to the edge of delirium when I find myself in the same situation.

I always need to be moving towards something more. Towards a goal. To a greater experience. To a greater world. To a better me.

Stuck is a feeling I have been fleeing from for most of my adult life. From the time I was 18 and off to college I have tried with all my might to create a lifestyle free of being stuck. From designing my own major in college, to working overseas for 2.5 years because I fell in love with Cape Town, South Africa when studying abroad there, to resigning from a job and drifting between volunteer positions until I found a dream gig in tourism, to moving myself back to the United States and back to Santa Barbara - a city I love - with few connections and no job - I have managed to keep moving and keep the fear of being stuck at bay.

However, as I move into a different season of life with a stable job and a home to call my own, it is difficult to not fear getting stuck here. 

But there is one aspect I’ve been missing all along.

You see, being stuck isn’t connected only to our physical location or the people we know - rather it is intertwined to our emotional state of being. 

This means that you can be in a corporate office job and feel stuck OR you can feel alive and like you are working in a position aligned with your purpose.

It all comes down to your perspective and goals.

Personally, this means that even though I find myself in a standard office job, it doesn’t mean I’m stuck. 

Instead,with the right perspective, this job allows me to live in one of the best cities in the country and find a community of people who enjoy a lifestyle similar to what I aspire to have myself.

It means I have a steady income while I write this blog and turn this, or other ventures, into side gigs - that may eventually become something bigger.

It means I have a place to learn new skills and test my abilities with upcoming tasks and new initiatives within the company.

It means I have a community of coworkers to interact with everyday.

Yes, I still struggle with a sense of being tied down at times, especially post working in tourism where travel was the norm.

However, I know this is a season. And seasons are good.

So whenever you find yourself stuck, reevaluate whether this job, city, friend group, relationship or whatever else, helps bring you a step closer to your goals. 

If not, let them go. 

But if they do, then give yourself the task of finding a way to bring meaning and perspective to that area of your life because ultimately it’s the only way to get unstuck.

Are you feeling stuck? If so let me know why and what is standing in your way in the comments below.

Mundane, Yet Beautiful

Driving from Cape Town, South Africa to Victoria Falls, Zambia in a borrowed Toyota Land Cruiser (yes, we met the owner in a bar) was a crazy adventure.

Sleeping in our tents listening to the sound of content lion purrs after a kill, hyena's stalking the area yipping at each other and hippos crunching at the grass just a few yards from us was an experience unlike any other.

Flying over the Okavango Delta - one of those locations where National Geographic films from the sky - on a sightseeing flight, followed by a drunken evening with the pilots in town was an awesome experience.

Dealing with major car issues leading to a complete break down in the tiny town of Mahalapye, Botswana absolutely sucked, but naturally lead to the incredible experiences had by all when we were adopted twice - by a dairy farmer/restaurant owner and by a game farm owner where we spent time relaxing and enjoying time in their company.

Yes, these are some of the crazy stories that I love to tell and tend to catch the attention of those within earshot.

However, when I find myself alone and daydreaming - or just thinking about my time abroad - what do I think about? 

It tuns out I don't focus on these crazy adventures.

Instead my mind focuses on the mundane, yet beautiful, everyday moments.

Being smothered in motherly hugs and cuddles by my adoptive “nom” on her couch on a lazy Sunday afternoon, the air heavy with the spicy smell of delicious homemade Cape Malay curry.

The rough sand grinding against my feet as I run along the beach on my "normal post work run" near my home in Muizenberg at sunset, with the gail force wind whipping my face and only kite surfers to be found on the beach with me.

The delicious and smoky smell of meat - chicken, lamb, goat, almost anything - on the open braai’s (barbecues) lining the dusty streets of the townships we visited. 

The ridiculous and yet lovely crowd stopping, gold-toothed smile, laugh and “Welcome to Cape Town!!!” with full body motions, from the one and only Carol at the front desk at Once in Cape Town where I worked and lived.

The building voices and laughter of my friends in all of their distinct and beautiful accents as we sat in one of the many restaurants where we shared a meal.

The chaos and exhaustion of planning, prepping, cooking, and recreating classic foodie treats from scratch - sometimes with the wrong ingredients - so my roommate and I could host American style holiday gatherings - think 4th of July (in the middle of winter), Thanksgiving (in the spring), Cinco de Mayo, Christmas (in the summer) and much more - to crowds of 25+ people.

The feeling of the cold rock against my body and slippery ladder rungs gripped tightly, as I hid my fear of heights bringing some of our guests on a hike up Lion’s Head to take in the stunning views at sunset.

Collapsing on the couch, with rooibos tea in hand, the sweet yet subtle smell a reminder that I am home - to spend some quality quiet time by myself or with one of the three guys who allowed me to use their space as my own to "get away" from it all.

It turns out it wasn't the crazy storybook moments that mattered the most, rather it was moments like these that touched my heart and left a permanent mark on my soul.

These small, repetitive, rarely notable moments are the ones I cherish most.

They are also the ones most difficult to share with others. 

They are not moments I could Instagram easily or even categorize as something special - yet when it comes down to it, they are what sparks the most feeling.

In fact, I think for many of us it is small moments like these that we cherish.

Whether the smell of our grandfathers cologne or the way our moms' hand brushed our back as she hugged us day in and day out. Or the way our best friends made our bellies hurt from laughing as we lay in the grass during college. It is these moments that stick in our memories and stay with us through life.

So why don’t we value them more?

Often, it seems, we are instead looking for the next high - something that we can share with others. We look for excitement and new experiences.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore adventures and new experiences.

What I am suggesting however, is that rather than be looking for the next big adventure all the time we should also be paying attention to those small moments we experience in the present.

In the morning really taste your coffee and experience the flavor as it rolls over your tongue.

Appreciate the people you work with - their funny quirks and all.

Notice and appreciate the beautiful “smile lines” around your best friends glowing eyes as she grins.

Stop to smell the jasmine, orange blossoms, roses and other beautiful flowers that line the street on your evening run.

Appreciate the moments with your loved ones - the hugs, the warmth and the feeling of that person being close.

Because ultimately, life is fleeting and these become the moments we live for. 

“Sometimes, the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.”

- Winnie the Pooh