In THIS Moment

Am I the only one out there who struggles with living in the moment? With being where I am? With remaining present in the place I have made ‘home’?

Just a few days ago I realized how much of a struggle this really is for me.

When I was in my early years at university, I wished to be back home. When I was overseas to study abroad, I wished to be back at university. When I was back at university, I wished to be back at University of Cape Town where I had studied abroad. When I graduated and ended up in Santa Barbara, California, I wished to be back on campus or back overseas. When I did move overseas to Cape Town, South Africa, I wished to be back in Santa Barbara. When my visa expired and life changed and I moved back to Santa Barbara, I now find myself wishing quite often to be back in Cape Town again. Clearly I have a problem.

I realize this is a symptom of moving. Forming close relationships and building community with amazing people in each place I end up. Yet, it never gets easy. The grass always seems greener in the place I just left.

What I have conveniently forgotten however, is the amount of time it took to get to that place of close community and close friendships. 

The lonely days. The evenings wishing I was close to the friends I had left behind. The awkward conversations and interactions with people I barely knew as I was attempting to make friends and start over - again.

In each place I have ended up, I have gone through a phase of intense longing to be back in the place I have left. To be back with those who were once my community.

Yet, without fail, I have also, with time and persistence, managed to build some incredible friendships with people who have truly altered my life for the better in the places I do end up.

So what does this mean?

Does it mean I have excelled the process of starting over and forming new communities? Probably. It does get easier with practice.

Does this mean that I regret having moved so much in the past few years? No.

Does this mean I am being silly for missing those I have left behind? Absolutely not.

And does this mean these feelings will go away? Unfortunately, no.

What this does mean however, is that I have learned to look at where I am now with a new set of eyes. 

I now understand that in the mere 3-ish months that I have lived here in Santa Barbara, I have barely had the time necessary to build a new community. 

I’m still in the early and awkward days. 

It WILL happen with time. It always does. I just need to be patient.

Relationships and true community take time. They take vulnerability and shared experiences. None of these things happen quickly.

And it is exactly this thought that made me stop and realize - as much as I miss my home in Cape Town, South Africa (trust me, it pulls at my heart strings daily and I will forever be connected to that place) - that I will also make a home and community here.

I just need to allow the time for that to happen.

So now that I have finally acknowledged this, I find myself excited for the future. For the coming relationships and community.

I’ve already had a taste. I have a great church community. I’m part of an active group of beach volleyball players. I’m starting to form routines with people. I’ve been invited to events where I know no one and walked away with new friends. People are slowly becoming more familiar and we are learning to trust one another. And it’s a great feeling. 

I am building a community HERE. I am building a home where I am.

And that is ultimately what is important.

Now, this doesn’t mean I don’t miss my family or high school friends out east, or my university friends scattered across the country, or the many friends I made working in tourism spread across the world, or my amazing second family in Cape Town. Rather, I miss them all quite dearly. They will forever be a part of my life and I will continue to strive to stay connected and visit as many of them as possible.

What this does mean however is that I no longer have to live in the past.

Rather I can live with an optimistic outlook for the future. For I know that with the passage of time that I will find the community I so deeply crave. 

I will find the shoulders to cry on. 

I will find the friends who make me laugh so hard I’m lying on the floor with tears running down my face. 

I will find the huggers who know how to make a girl feel safe and loved no matter how rough the day has been.

I will find the adventurers who enjoy weekend journeys of exploration and the unknown.

I will find the dancers and music lovers who will join me in the love of rhythm and beat.

I will find the prayer warriors and spiritual guides to help me grow as I journey with God.

All of these people exist here, just as they existed in other places. It just takes time.

And once this has happened, and I have found my community, Santa Barbara will become the place I will never want to leave. The people will leave me feeling connected and loved and I will know that I am in the right place.

Do you struggle with this as well? Let me know how you have dealt with it in the comments below.

The Great Turning Point

“Among the most important personal choices you can make is to accept complete responsibility for everything you are and everything you will ever be. This is the great turning point in life.”  Focal Point by Brian Tracy

Wow.

If you haven’t yet - go back and reread that quote a second time.

Pretty harsh, right?

This past weekend I was scrolling through interesting articles on my phone when I came across one in particular on Inc. titled, Want to Change Your Life? Make This One Choice, which caught my eye.

As I read through it, I screenshot the quote above thinking - THIS is one of those quotes worth remembering.

Why is it worth remembering?

Why because accepting responsibility is scary. It puts any feelings of insecurity, failure, unmet expectations upon ourselves - rather than on something else. And it’s always easier to blame someone or something else.

But isn’t it true? 

No matter what our excuse, there IS an aspect of personal responsibility that has led us to our current situation - especially once we are adults.

Sure a situation at this moment may be difficult to change. But aren’t you the one who decided to marry your partner? Aren’t you the one who decided to get a degree in that major? Aren’t you the one who daily chooses to eat in a way that shows love to your body or damages it? Aren’t you the one making the excuses that keep you from becoming the person you want? From doing that thing you said you would do as a New Years resolution?

I’m not suggesting that we each start blaming and hating ourselves for the mistakes and problems we face.

Also I am not suggesting that we have any control over the uncontrollable. Like untimely deaths or unexpected tragedies, debilitating illness or natural disasters. These are unfortunate circumstances that can come crashing into our lives at any time and wreak havoc.

Far from it.

Rather, I am suggesting that we each turn away from our past for a moment, take count of where and who we are now in the present moment, and look at the huge opportunity that awaits us in the future - in each day.

For it is in the daily decisions and the life-long strategies that we can craft a life that we love.

And if we’re unafraid of accepting responsibility - we have the ability to do so.

By looking at life with a long term lens we can choose to start developing a new skill now, with a potential future business in mind. 

If we are single and interested in marriage, we can choose to believe that there is someone with a matching life vision out there - and we can wait for that person rather than compromising with someone else who may only share part of what we want for the future. 

We can choose to make healthy food choices today to lose the weight and finally keep it off - even if results are slow coming. 

We can choose to cancel the TV subscription and instead start reading for an hour everyday and expand our imaginations and allow our mind to dream of lives far outside our own. 

We can choose to go for a walk today with the goal of running in a years time. 

We can choose to make lunch and coffee at home, rather than go out while at work, and save that money with the goal to travel the world in a few years. 

We can choose to start writing a weekly blog on a personal website to break our fear of writing, develop a voice and see where it may lead (yup thats a personal one of mine and you’re reading a piece of it now!). 

We can try something new - like painting. Or pick up an instrument again and just start playing and enjoying the experience of learning a new skill, just for the fun of it. 

These are all CHOICES. These are all things we can CHOOSE.

Yes time, money, family, responsibilities, jobs, and on and on get in the way. And yes, most times these goals will take far longer than you will like or will have anticipated. But isn’t it better to get started now and take the time necessary to achieve a goal and take yourself that much closer to something you’ve always wanted for yourself - than never take the step at all?

Even the tiniest sliver of time redirected or change in behavior to something you know fits your goals can make all the difference.

Because when we take personal responsibility to become the best versions of ourselves and to lead the lives we so strongly desire, we start to see the impact each of our decisions has on these outcomes.

And rather than life happening to us, we choose to actively participate in it.

So be excited. WE HAVE RESPONSIBILITY and thus WE HAVE OPPORTUNITY. 

The future is a blank canvas that we can rewrite from where we are now.

So I encourage you to start today - embrace life, take responsibility and choose to make the decisions necessary for the future to be even better than today.

And remember, nobody is perfect so don’t expect to be yourself. This whole process is a journey. Enjoy the journey - you never know where you may end up.

So tell me, what decisions will you make to bring yourself one step closer to your “ideal”? Let me know in the comments below.

Time For God

Time.

Time seems to be that one thing that no one has enough of.

Whether it’s in a day. Or in a season. Or in a lifetime. It seems time is one of, if not THE most valuable asset we have.

Is it just me, or is it ridiculously easy to get wrapped up in the hectic pace of life and forget about what really matters?

Often I feel like I’m the only one who lets life get in the way of the most important relationship in my life - my relationship with Christ. Yet, I know that it is likely far more common than I am aware.

When I come to a season of seemingly having no time for God, I don’t tend to notice until life has unraveled in one form or another.

I have recently come to one of these moments.

A moment of realizing that I have drifted away slowly but surely from my daily time with the Lord - which should be the only thing that matters.

I’ve noticed - that since moving to Santa Barbara in late January - I’ve given myself almost no time to be still. No time to reflect. No time to just be.

Instead, I moved here with the intent to make it home. Within a week, I found a place to live and within a month and a half, a full time job. Even before finding the job, I was busy and preoccupied - running around with contract work to make ends meet and deep in the midst of the job hunt. 

Then almost as soon as I started the new job, I also started Marie Forleo’s B-School, which has been both fantastic, but also incredibly stressful. I have felt the mounting pressure to figure out exactly what it is I want to be doing, what it is I should be doing. What it is I am meant to be doing. I’m only halfway through the course (about 3 weeks behind - thank God I have access to the course for life so can do this at my own pace) but even at this point, I am constantly questioning my choices. 

I mean what if? What if I make the wrong decisions? What if I fail horribly? What if this thing I think is my purpose, isn’t? What if I’m completely on the wrong track? 

How do I know?

Well it turns out in all of this chaos, I have forgotten God. 

I haven’t forgotten that I am His child or my church and community life. Rather I have forgotten to bring these questions to Him. To have this conversation with Him - rather than just with myself. 

I have forgotten my daily practice with Him. Of reading the scriptures. Of spending time in meditation and prayer everyday.

I have forgotten that He has the best plan for my life. That He knows where I should go and what it is I should be doing. He knows. He is the Almighty. And yet, despite my 10+ year long faith, I managed to FORGET about Him.

And it is only now, nearly the end of April, that I have come to this realization.

In the past few weeks, rather than spending quality time with Him I have been spending that time mulling over what kind of businesses would make the most sense. How I can be most successful. What my imagined life looks like into the future. 

I have even gone so far as to consider next steps like joining the Peace Corps, or going back to university for a Masters Degree. All because of a fear of being stuck, of not living a life of purpose, a life devoid of meaning.

It seems that in just two months I lost touch with that clear calling to return to Santa Barbara that I had when I first returned to the States. That I knew I was supposed to be HERE and that this was going to be a season - and a GOOD season at that.

It’s not that the Peace Corps or going back for a Masters Degree is off the table as I could see taking both of these routes at some point in the next 5 years. 

Rather the timing isn’t right now.

In fact, when I voice my concerns to friends and family the responses have more or less been, 

“Maybe this is a time to just wait on God.”

“I feel like this a season of rest for you. To be and to dwell with God. And it will be good. Enjoy it.”

 

Why does it seem like everyone else gets it and I don’t? Even as it relates to my own life? Why is this such a struggle for me?

Am I just stubborn? Am I a typical “millennial” (whatever that means)?

Or is it because of something deeper and darker? Something called FEAR?

As it turns out, fear is an extremely strong driving force. 

And it seems that I am being driven by fear at the moment.

On Sunday I filled an entire page in my journal writing a list of everything I was afraid of. Of all the circumstances and realities I am trying to avoid. The things that are keeping me in this spiral of indecision and anxiety. That little voice inside my head telling me I need to get out now. To change something now or forever be stuck in discontent, knowing I can do more, but unable too. 

A fear of getting older, of running out of time, of “settling down” too early, of not traveling the world, of never returning to my home away from home - Cape Town, South Africa - of not living the crazy and purposeful life I desire soon enough. Of missing the chances I may only get once in a lifetime.

Rather than trust and lean on God, I have instead decided to do things my way in order to prevent these fears from becoming a reality. 

Instead of trusting God to do the right thing in the right timing, I have been trying to take control of as much as possible and have allowed these things to ultimately distract me from my relationship with God.

I have allowed distrust and my desire for control to take over. I have forgotten that I have a purpose here in this place where I find myself now. 

So in the most public way I know possible, I am declaring that I have decided to take back my time with God. To wake up that 15 minutes earlier to get the quiet time I need first thing in the morning. To allow myself to step back from B-School and my constant brainstorming and instead focus on God and what He has to say to his beloved child, me. 

Because in the end that is all that matters. I am loved by God and He IS my constant companion.

So in your own life consider, what REALLY matters? Is there anything you’ve been neglecting recently? Are you being driven by fear?

And if so, what can you do to change it?